I had a few words to say at Susan Smith’s Life Master Party at the Hartford Bridge Club on Sunday, April 14. Here is an approximation:

Preterition: The norms of civil discourse dictate that I pass over without mentioning the indisputable fact that today’s honoree and her husband ruthlessly stole from me my favorite teammates, Bob and Shirley Derrah, and even had the temerity to invite them to play as their teammates on this occasion. So, instead I, almost certainly the one person in this or any other room who has lost to the Smiths the most often, intend only to emphasize two points that today dominate my thoughts, and, I suspect most of yours.

One, on this auspicious occasion – on which we all recognize that Susan has earned the honor and privilege of sitting in the special chair, when she is festooned with this elegant crown, and when she even gets for once in her life to sit north (for one round, at least) — wouldn’t you expect that in such a singular and extra special event as this that just this once she would have invited someone besides her husband to play with her?

My second point is a simple question: Are you freakin’ kidding me? Do you mean that all of this time — every Saturday and at every sectional and regional tournament — that she has been beating up on all of us, that she wasn’t even a life master? Do you know how this makes us all feel?

At any rate, congratulations, Susan, and Mike, too, and thanks for being among the fiercest competitors and the nicest people in the Hartford Bridge Club.

I cannot validate the widespread rumor that the Smiths and the Derrahs won the Swiss event only because the rest of the players conspired to let them. So, you should ignore that gossip even if it has the ring of truth to it.