I have long thought that the greatest oration of all time must have been Pope Urban II’s call in 1095 at Clermont for all of Europe to journey to the Middle East to liberate Jerusalem and, especially, the Church of the Holy Sepulcher therein. This speech launched the Crusades, which definitely changed the course of history quickly, dramatically, and permanently.

My own feeble attempt at speechifying at the Life Master party held for Mary Eisenberg and Nancy Narwold was much closer to the other end of the spectrum. This is the gist of what I said:

I have only played with Nancy once, so I must leave the task of overseeing her public humiliation to someone else.

Mary I do know. You probably are most acquainted with her from her weekday presence here. She definitely plays a lot. You may have even wondered if this was her whole life. I perused the results sheets from a few weeks ago. Here are my notes.

Her best was a 62% game with Roman Solecki, but it didn’t count; they were filling out the movement for the new 199er game. In just five days she also played with Donna Lyons, Carole Amaio, Judy Pyka, Ed Konowitz, and two sessions with Barbara Mindell.

There is no game on Tuesday afternoon. I am guessing that that must be laundry day.

What you may not know is that Mary also plays here on Saturday, usually with Lois Labins. But after Saturday’s game is when Mary’s OTHER life begins. She pulls on her Dale Evans cowgirl boots, drives to the airport, and flies her private jet to Kuala Lumpur, Abu Dhabi, or wherever. Sometimes it takes all night, but every Sunday morning she is there to assume her rightful place as the #1 driver on the Ferrari Formula One racing team.

Here she is: surrounded by her crew, strapped into her bright red four-wheeled rolling rocket, ready to zoom through the streets of Monte Carlo, careening this way and that, throwing all caution to the wind, and laughing at death.

But enough about the present; I want to address the future. We all know that many bridge players, when they finally achieve life master status cut WAY back on their playing. I solemnly advise you not to take that course, Mary; bridge is too important. But if you determine that you cannot keep up this arduous schedule, on behalf of the entire Hartford Bridge Club I beseech you: at the very least, DON’T STOP FEEDING US!

* * *The speech bombed. Most people seemed to be mildly amused by the references to Mary’s exceptional club attendance, her many partners, her boots, and her cooking. The part about being a Formula 1 driver, which was obviously the core of the speech, elicited virtually no reaction whatever. Not even Mary understood what I was talking about.

It really is awful when you need to explain your jokes, but I wrongly assumed that the majority of those in attendance (120 people!) would be familiar with the following:

1. Formula 1 drivers drive at incredible speeds — up to 220 mph.
2. The races are held, not on oval courses that primarily require only the ability to make left turns, but on the streets of some of the largest cities in the world!
3. Since her auto accident a while back, Mary has become a rather timid driver. In actual fact, she is even a timid passenger. I am by no means an aggressive driver, but the one time that she rode with me to Danbury (where she completed the requirements for Life Master!) and back, she spent much of the trips mentally retreating to “her private place” to relieve the anxiety of passing trucks or being passed.

I tried to paint (verbally) the impossible picture of Mary as a Formula 1 driver. I figured that virtually everyone there must have played with Mary at least once and that her reputation as a poor passenger must be widespread. I guess that I was wrong.

Or maybe people were unfamiliar with Formula 1 racing.

I suppose that it is also possible that it was just not that funny.